Parenting as an Enneagram 1
There is a way to do things properly.
First thing first. Have you heard of the enneagram? If not, allow me to explain it to you.
The enneagram is an ancient personality typing system. I know, I know. Yet another personality test. We take enough of those at the Human Resources department. However, I love the enneagram because it is so deeply rooted in the experience of what it is to be human. It ebbs and flows. It’s not stuck on one number, recognizing that we fluctuate as living, breathing souls. The foundations of the enneagram have been circulating for a long time.
The traditional enneagram is in relative infancy, developed in the 1960’s by a man named Oscar Ichazo, according to enneagraminstitute.com. However, the philosophy is formulated from a variety of ancient wisdoms from the Christian, Judaism, Taoism, Buddhism, and Greek traditions.
I dig a strong personality test because it assists us to delve further into understanding ourselves and how we relate to one another in this madhouse of a world. It helps answer the age-old question of why we are the way that we are — a phrase I often utter to myself in traffic regarding the driving behaviors of other people.
I believe I was introduced to the enneagram by Richard Rohr, a spiritual author and teacher who trained in the Franciscan priest tradition. Side note: he is a fascinating mystic. The enneagram is composed of nine different personality types. Typically, a person self-identifies most with a particular number and often has some of the personality characteristics of the number closest to their primary number as well (i.e. an enneagram four has either a three wing or a five wing, an enneagram nine has either a one wing or an eight wing). It is normal to find some of oneself in most of the numbers but a person will likely identify more so with one number type.
DANIELA-DESIGNS//GETTY IMAGES
I quickly binged a couple of books and a few podcasts on the topic. I took a test. I took a different enneagram test. They both revealed I was a “one.” I checked in with a few close friends and family members to see if this “sounded like me.” They concurred. True to a one’s form, I had to ensure I was typing myself correctly, the first time. Ones are often called the reformers, the perfectionists, the idealists. Sounds kind of boring.
A key pattern of being a one is a constant self-critique. How could I have done that better? What did I do wrong? This ties into the need for perfection. Ones have very high standards of self and others and tend to judge people often because of this. They like to follow the rules (and feel the world would be a better place if others would follow suit), they will sacrifice pleasure by working too hard or forgoing delightful activities because it feels irresponsible. They have learned to control their emotions, feeling like they have done something bad when they reveal them to others.
Being a one, as a parent, has opened up pandora’s box of questioning of self and why I react or do things the way I do them when raising little humans. The self critic (highly characteristic of a one) has intensified brutally. The critic of others and the correct order of life has intensified. These developments have begged for heightened awareness. This reflective writing may be my feeble attempt to feed the continuum of growth as I journey the path of an enneagram one, raising three children.
In order to help the reader understand this perspective, I have compiled the following list of examples that may describe what the day-to-day operations of being a one is like. The list is not at all exhaustive, nor fact-checked with the enneagram experts. It is meant to provide insight (and ideally, a chuckle or two) to the reader as to the challenges this number faces.
You internally criticize the daycare parking lot situation every time you pull up, lamenting as to why people choose to park directly next to one another when there is a full empty row across the way (literally a three second walk) knowing that we all have young children to unload and massive car doors to swing open. This is not the proper way to do things. Let’s work smarter, people.
When you pick your kiddo up and do a quick once-over, you immediately notice he is wearing two different sized shoes, and both are meant for the right foot (one is his big brother’s and three sizes too big). Your mind begets the question “How did this happen and why?” You may call your spouse to bring the correct shoe to basketball practice and their first reaction is to laugh (how refreshing, and also, how definitely NOT a one).
Feeling morally damaged when someone interrupts your thoughts, work, writing, etc.
Burning holes with your eyeballs into the same item lying on the floor as you pass by it over and over again. You decline to pick it up and put it away, however, because it’s not your responsibility, not your item. It is someone else’s responsibility to fulfill. Still, it haunts you.
Contemplating for the better part of a decade if and when you should go part-time at work/in your career. You agonize over if its the “right” choice for yourself, your family, your work environment.
Constantly feeling the need/drive that you should be learning or doing something new.
Feeling personally victimized when your kids (or husband) leave their shoes in your car.
Experiencing physical distress when you are the car holding an entire line up at the coffee shop drive through while waiting for black coffee, the simplest order in eternity, in your mind.
Overthinking ever getting a tattoo because you can’t fathom anything you would want on your body forever.
Overthinking other people’s car bumper sticker choices and the potential repercussions for them.
Unfollowing churches because they don’t “live up” to your moral code but you still find yourself so deeply drawn to mysticism and the divine and the beauty in fair and just behavior.
There is a way you do things, and if that is altered or distracted, you can become very disoriented and shaken. If something goes wrong as a result, you moan internally that you know exactly why, because it wasn’t done per protocol.
When people make mistakes because they did not pay attention to detail, you find it hard to not write them off (an exaggeration but if you’re a one, or a one wing, you get it).
You can be incredibly defensive when criticized, because your own internal critic has already covered that, via multiple angles, fifty times over.
Throwing your child’s birthday party is a process that begins three months prior to the carefully selected date. Astute consideration is had regarding the details, the format, the guest list, the assignments. You also find it extremely hard or impossible to enjoy yourself at said event, because you are preoccupied with how good of a time everyone else is having.
When you feel overworked or over-stimulated, you retreat into yourself and find it difficult to communicate verbally what you are feeling or what you need (answer: usually solitude/quiet time).
“I think being a one is really, really hard.”
I heard that recently and felt so seen. I also realize being any number on the enneagram is hard. They all have their own challenges, their own work to do.
A one’s inner voice of censorship, criticism, and condemnation can rest easy at times as we realize that others feel this way and it’s not something inherently wrong with us. We realize that when we are in our “healthy” space as a one, we act like a seven. Sevens are a lot of fun! They can be free and cut loose when they don’t feel criticized by others! They can be spontaneous and often love a good dance party to release it all. They tap into creativity and spirituality. That’s a one when we are solidly vibing!
When we’re unbalanced, or “unhealthy”, we migrate toward the characteristics of an unhealthy four. We withdraw, feeling entirely misunderstood. We fear loneliness and abandonment and not being “good.” We are irritable, not much fun to be around, and rigid. Blah.
All numbers on the enneagram have directions of integration (growth) and disintegration (stress). As in the example above, a one acts like a seven when healthy, and a four when unhealthy. Each number has a number they go to when healthy or unhealthy. It does not mean that any number is better or worse than another. Contrary, it sheds light onto where our personalities default to in times of stress and growth, a very important concept to understand!
Isn’t it fascinating to be curious about yourself? Have you ever taken an enneagram test, listened to a podcast, or read a book on it? If you are just getting started, I would recommend The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (modern day enneagram experts and teachers). It gives a solid overview of the nine numbers and how they relate to one another. It will provide a helpful foundation for learning more about where you fall on the enneagram. Try not to fret if you find it difficult to identify with one number over another. As you learn and remain consistent in finding more out about yourself, this will be revealed.
There are also a number of (free) online enneagram tests you can take that we will list below.
The bottom line: remain curious about yourself and others. When we tap into the eccentric qualities of our individual personalities, we may just find that we relate to one another in a profoundly new way. Which, let’s be honest, is so desperately needed in this time in history.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
- Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist
What number are you?
Will you share with us some examples of how you know you are that number?
What do you find difficult about your number? What do you love about it?
Links referenced:
www.enneagram-personality.com (scroll down to the bottom of the result page to get your free report)
A Book Update for Bethany . . .
Also, I wanted to share an update with you all on the progress of my children’s book, “What Did Duke Do Today?” Milan is currently completing the sketches for pages 6 and 7, which describe Duke’s adventures in the kitchen, hurling Italian breadcrumbs throughout the air, and at the beach where he used bear-like strength to break his leash in two to chase the birds!
I am hopeful to begin working on text placements and edits within the next couple of weeks. Kara had been a huge help, guiding me throughout the process.
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Take this test. It is so interesting to see where you stand!!
Even though I don’t have kids, I resonate with this so much! I love the way you broke it down and shared your internal thoughts (that I have also had myself). I’m curious, what number is your husband?