How to Become a Millennial Gardener
One of my contributions to the Knocker community is gifting my limited, but growing, knowledge of all things plant. Last year, I magically morphed into a plant lady upon the attainment of age 40. This year, I started a raised bed garden. Here’s how to accomplish such a feat.
Step 1. Develop an overconfidence as a plant lady because you (your irrigation system) have been able to keep 92% of your backyard plants alive for one year.
Step 2. Wonder what to do with the planter on the side of the house that gets morning sun only but is currently a major eyesore.
Step 3. When spring rolls around, begin noticing that all the Insta influencers (who you’ve sworn off) are rolling out “backyard glow ups” and “outdoor spring refreshes” that just happen to coincide with Wayfair’s big Wayday sale. Become particularly taken with one visual of raised beds surrounding a beautiful tree with lovely benches in between. Brush off the fact that your real-life Florida plant pal meticulously grew seeds indoors for months and transferred them outside many moons ago.
Step 4. Begin perusing Wayfair’s site. Go outside and measure the situation, being sure to account for a tree that will not mature for 40 years. Explain your vision to your confused spouse and note the level (or lack) of enthusiasm.
Step 5. Add $400 worth of raised garden beds to your Wayfair cart. Upon seeing the price for only the infrastructure of your garden overhaul, start having second thoughts and walk away from the internet cart. But save it just in case.
Step 6. Watch the Florida weather quickly turn from spring to summer in a matter of a week. Decide it’s too late to try gardening. Add to the mental to do list for next spring.
Step 7. Notice your green thumb neighbors outside planting a tree and get up the courage to go ask them what you’ve done wrong with the live oak you planted in the front yard that appears to be dying. Learn that you planted it all wrong (whoops). Learn also that they have a robust vegetable garden.
Step 8. Take a tour of the neighbor’s garden. Become enamored with the scents and variety and simple idea that everything for your salad can come from your own garden! Ignore that this took them more than a decade of cultivation and learning. Also ignore that you rarely make homemade salads. Begin to think it’s never too late and maybe that Wayfair cart needs to be revisited.
Step 9. On Mother’s Day, receive the gift from your spouse and children of “we are going to help you make raised garden beds!” This is a gift of an idea. An aspiration. (Your spouse, recognizing you’re an Ennegram One, tells you that they purposely didn’t buy anything to accomplish this feat because they knew you would want to come up with your own plan. Fair.) Decide that this must be pounced upon, fearing it is susceptible to being forgotten.
Step 10. Gather up the family—still on Mother’s Day—and take them all to Home Depot. When there are just 2 available raised beds for sale, decide your carefully thought out plan must give way in the name of getting s**t done. Spend approximately $600 on beds and plants and seeds and soil and gloves and shovels. Pay little to no attention regarding proper planting times and zones and germination requirements.
Step 11. For all of Mother’s Day, engage in back-breaking work with your family. Although this is not what you had in mind for the day, in some ways it feels better than what you envisioned. The family is united, working toward a common goal. Thankfully, there is cloud cover. Everyone is excited about the new garden, including your spouse who can’t wait to have fresh herbs for the kitchen.
Step 12. Get everything planted and come inside to find dirt everywhere, realizing you were distracted when the children took various breaks and evidently did not take muddy shoes off. Have a mini breakdown. Take a deep breath.
Step 13. Resolve to ensure proper garden watering. This WILL happen.
Step 14. After one week and spotty watering, become discouraged when the weather is approaching mid 90’s and the plants are wilting. Approach the neighbors for more advice. Learn that tons of water and shade are essential during this climate. Begin a plan to invest in appropriate shade.
Step 15. Rethink further monetary investment. Decide that it doesn’t matter if everything dies this year. You’ve invested $600 and quality family time in the beginnings of something that can be cultivated over time. You’ll learn from this and start studying. One day, maybe you’ll have something as magnificent as the neighbors. Until then, you’ll have the memory of a beautiful and unexpected Mother’s Day.
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fun piece! this year, although being in my forties for a few years decided to start my first mini garden so far. fingers crossed it's looking promising except for my cilantro.
Being a gardener in South Florida was impossible for me - everything died, so Kudos to you for being a Florida Millennial Gardener.