5 Fictional Substacks We’d Devour from 90’s Movies

Because it’s fun to dream

Being a couple of elder millennials who maybe go a touch overboard in romanticizing nostalgia, we’ve compiled a very important list this week. We’ve scoured our mom brains and come up with the top 5 fictional characters from 90’s movies who would have the best Substacks.

1. Julianne Potter from “My Best Friend’s Wedding”

“Jules” as she’s known to her adoring best friend Michael in the movie, is a powerful food critic. In an early scene, waiters and chefs alike are tripping over themselves in an attempt to ensure an immaculate experience for the most discerning of tastes. The head chef tells a sous chef in the bustling kitchen: “I will kill your whole family if you don’t get this right. I need this perfect.” After indulging in a bite of the delicacy on her plate, Jules tells the waiter, “I’m writing it up as…inventive and confident.” This causes him to nod in the direction of the kitchen where its inhabitants are looking on, all to great relief of everyone involved.

Jules is already an established writer. She has a taste for the finer things. She’s witty and gorgeous and gets herself entangled in a love triangle that causes her to be a “dangerous, criminal person” who does “bad things to honest people.” She could hack an email account before that was a thing, allowing her to ghost write a desperate CEO “help me” plea that should have never been sent but worked like a charm when it was. We’d love to read her innermost thoughts. We just hope she will venture beyond food!

2. Jeanie Bueller from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”*

Jeanie Bueller (Ferris’s hateful sister) is a vibe in herself. She perfected the attitude, landed a young Charlie Sheen, and even came through for her brother in the end. Her fashion sense was incredible. She openly defied authority and had opinions about everything. Her resentment with the bullsh*t of life was palpable and relatable.

Jeanie would crush the informal and brutally direct writing angle. We imagine reading about her current passions, love life, career trajectory, and whether she’s ended up in the slammer again. Her take on modern cultural trends would be a hilarity we would gladly kick our feet up to with an offensively large bucket of popcorn. “Nothin’ but honesty” on this woman’s Substack page.

3. Nina Banks from “The Father of the Bride”

Nina Banks is the most level-headed, lovely, down to-earth woman you’ll never meet. Her home was perfection. (Hello: actual Nancy Meyers aesthetic.) She was an entrepreneur before that was cool, owning a quaint cooking shop in San Marino, California called Nina’s Cook Nook. She’s married to a guy who requires an occasional bail out due to hotdog-to-bun ratios being wrong. She found herself becoming a grandmother and a new mother on the same day. She worked closely with Franck Eggelhoffer on all things coordination.

We’d like to see a lifestyle Substack with decor, cooking, and thoughts on motherhood with kids of all ages. We simply need to know how to achieve the quintessential Nancy Meyers aesthetic without breaking the bank. The New York Times in 1995 said it couldn’t be done, and that was 30 years ago. Nina did it with a cheapo for a spouse and an apparently modest income. Tell us how!

4. Rose Lindsey from “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”

Rose is the epitome of a beloved work mother. Not only did she select “Sue Ellen Crandell” (Swell) as her next executive assistant, but she took her under her wing from day one and she did it with style. Forever charismatic and flattering, she helped Swell navigate the complexities of the corporate bowels of the fashion industry. She told her sketchball boyfriend Gus to get lost when Swell revealed he was making passes at her.

We imagine her Substack as a sort of daily guide to becoming a successful boss lady that everyone adores. She will provide us with witty anecdotes from her in-office romances and remind the feminine reader to max out their company’s 401K match. Not only will she enhance our travel knowledge, but she’ll be sure to curate the perfect outfit to accompany us on the trip. She will show us how to climb the corporate ladder in the latest Manilo Blahnik heels. The obvious name for her Substack: “I’m right on top of that, Rose!”

5. Cassandra Wong from “Wayne’s World”

Besides being Wayne’s girlfriend, Cassandra is the lead singer and bassist for the band Crucial Taunt. She lands a record deal that catapults her musical career into another stratosphere. Her ability to truly appreciate Wayne’s sense of humor coupled with her genuinely likeable demeanor leaves us wanting more. Not only that, but she ditched the set of her first music video when the large python crawling all over her just didn’t feel right, deciding for herself the next best move was to play for “Waynestock.”

Her Substack would be a delectable foray into the private world of touring with the band while maintaining a TV show host boyfriend. She would call it “Camera 1, Camera 2”. We would bear witness to the drama of the road: the bass player’s come apart over her requesting Chinese takeout again and Wayne’s insecurities when he learns of the bus sleeping arrangements (her on a top bunk above Anthony, her drummer).

Those are our top 5, who would you add to this list? You know the drill: let us know in the caaaawments!

*Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is technically from the 80’s but we couldn’t leave out Jeanie.

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