Your Top Five Worst Nightmares

In the age of squishies

The day begins unassumingly. You rise from slumber, saunter into the kitchen, and make french pressed coffee. You wander into the children’s rooms to stir them, feed everyone a quick breakfast, and yell to get out the door, all before 8 a.m. Later that day, the children return from six hours of education and social instructions. They are usually quite tired and urgently need to poop. This time, however, is different. They approach you with urgency.

“MOM, CAN WE GO TO HALLMARK? THEY HAVE NEEDOHS IN STOCK.”

You have no idea what this means. “Neat-toe?” Your child looks at you as if you have sprouted three heads.

“No, Mom, NEEDOHs! AND THEY HAVE THEM! WE HAVE TO GO.”

NEEDOHs, allegedly, are the latest and greatest craze in the world of sensory squishy toys for elementary, eh, all-aged children. You learn it is basically a squishy colored cube. A four pack will run you $50. Your blood pressure rises when you consider the production of more plastic that will surely make its way into your homemade baby food. You groan, big time, because you just mucked out these kids’ rooms that were full of the old, boring squishies that they had to have three months ago. You suddenly feel doomed as a parent. You must be doing something wrong. And now the NEEDOHs are hunting you. You begin cursing the name of the class trend-leader, and then their mother’s name for anxiety-shopping instead of engaging in the appropriate after 40 activity (gardening).

You imagine the horror that is to come, and your overthinking brain decides to analyze it into a listicle approach of the top five nightmares you see enmeshed in the NEEDOH gang of insanity.

Number One

You find yourself in Hallmark—a store that used to be synonymous with gifts, holidays, and milestones—with 20 plus children running around with possessed eyes, hoping to land the last NEEDOH. You observe a small baseball team be followed around by the coach with an iPhone on a selfie stick for the whole experience. You subsequently witness the coach film the “reveal” for social media in which the team gathers all children in the store to watch them unwrap their chosen squishies. You feel lucky that you are in Hallmark and not the sketchy store in the mall that—rumor has it—is selling Dr. Pepper NEEDOHs for twice the retail price.

Number Two

You are asked to touch the squishy. You are a highly sensitive individual and are officially in your 40’s. Touching a squishy for “fun” is not on your bingo card. You have a particular aversion to the sticky ones that collect dust pieces and crumbs. Why, just why, would anyone want to touch that?

Number Three

You receive an email from school that your child, and the entirety of the fifth grade, is now banned from bringing squishies to school. “We’ve had three explosions in music class alone, and two of them were your child’s!” You had zero clue they had stuffed their “Nice ICE Baby” NEEDOH into their camouflage backpack while you were yelling at their little sister to put on her shoes. Now you’re exposed as thee priority problem of the local public school’s administration. Crap. You grab a NEEDOH and squeeze, only for stress relief. Oh, that feels nice.

Number Four

Your children’s grandmother approaches you, requesting a discussion. Terrified, you wonder if your kids lost Grandpa’s dog, or took his boat out for a joyride, as Grandma never rats them out, ever. Shaking, she explains that although she loves to spend time with her grandchildren, she needs to take a break from them, effective immediately. Perplexed, you inquire why. Grandma has never fired the children from her home. “They’ve asked me excessively to go to Hallmark in the last two hours they have been at my house. I already caved and took them once. My nervous system can’t do it anymore, and I don’t know how to say no. So, they have to go.” You then have to face your work-from-home spouse to inform them your tweens are now his daytime problem. This causes your spouse to grab an extra large NEEDOH and squeeze so hard, it bursts. The child owner cries uncontrollably.

Number Five

You finally reach the pinnacle of squishy collecting. Your spawn have meticulously organized each NEEDOH according to their own wishes. You settle into the couch to enjoy the next episode of “Margot’s Got Money Troubles” when you hear the beginnings of a come apart in your children’s shared room. The previously partitioned NEEDOHS are now in spicy contention. Squishies are being hurled across the room, the screaming intensifies, and the children have lost their minds to NEEDOH insanity. Just then, you receive a call from your sister inquiring as to whether one of your own spawn could have lifted a NEEDOH from her house, as one has mysteriously gone missing after your family was visiting. It’s over. The children have turned on one another and the squishes have eternally won.

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