What to Expect on an Everglades Airboat Tour
Nothing, if you’re a longstanding Floridian. Assume for years that it is a gimmicky tourist trap, unworthy of future consideration. If you really want to see a gator in its “natural habitat,” you can venture down to the neighborhood retention pond to say hello.
Noise, lots of noise. It emits from the engine attached to the back of the boat. The location of the motor allows for the boat to propel through obscenely shallow water ways. If you have a fabulous boatsman like we did (Shout out to Randy at “Ride the Wind” Airboat Tours), they will come equipped with enough ear muffs for the nine person capacity watercraft.
Once you have left the safety of the dock, assume there are gators. Anywhere and everywhere. Shift your eyes with paranoia from left to right, scanning the mirky canal for signs of the reptile, as this will surely save you from their wrath. Mistakenly identify moss, branches, and your partner’s leg multiple times over for the head of a gator. Yelp and point, then sink back in embarrassment as the tour guide ignores your amateur attempts.
Expect your tour guide to be the one to actually spot an alligator. When he does, do not be surprised when he kills the motor and slowly allows the shallow air boat to inch towards the animal that is resting just about the water line, on the bank. Do not be alarmed when you are sitting in the front, left corner of the boat, closest to said animal. Do not scream when you are so close to the alligator, that you could reach out and touch it with your still-intact five digit hand. Play like you are having fun with the discomfort that is happening against your will. Giggle nervously “I don’t like this, I don’t like this, I don’t like this” as you cling to the person sitting to your right (in my case, a three year old).
Know that you will see a variety of birds. If you are a person in your, say, late 30s to early 60s (before your sight starts to go), admire the majestic creatures as you ponder the consideration: “Is it time for me to begin my bird-watching era?” Make a mental note to purchase a basic set of binoculars on Amazon. These will sit perched on your kitchen windowsill until the woman from the Eagle Protection Program arrives and parks on your lawn to monitor the American bald eagle nest in your neighborhood from afar. Instead of attempting to spot the endangered species alongside said woman, use the cheap binoculars to spy on her and the contents of her vehicle.
Be prepared for your spouse to feed you a line that Taylor Swift’s “Evermore” album was inspired by her time in the “Ever”glades. Prep dramatic eye roll now.
Enjoy the fact that your tour guide seems to know anything and everything you could want to know about the wildlife and climate of the Everglades. Sit back and relax as he shares good ol’ boys tales of helping his granddaddy hunt gators and month-long boat captain gigs down in Costa Rica. Think about how cool this person is, in comparison to yourself. Plan to insidiously soften your future consonants to a version of his southern drawl and decide that will have to do, for now.
Be prepared to be truly amazed at the sheer beauty of the wetland ecosystem that is the Florida Everglades. Admire the scenery as you take the tour guide at his word that what you are looking at is indeed “mangrove forests, saltwater marshes, and seagrass”. Shrug because you wouldn’t know otherwise.
Expect to pay anywhere from $250 - $400 for a one hour, nine-seater boat ride (including the captain.) The man’s gotta eat and gator poaching ‘aint allowed no mo.’
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I must say one other thing, after re-watching the video in the post. Perhaps the coolest part, was not knowing what was just around the bend (I feel like the Disney movie princess Pocahontas saying that, but oh well) -- you didn't know if you were about to hit upon a gator, or a bird, or a man in overalls, up to his waste in water, illegally gator poaching. You just didn't know! What a thrill. Everyone go do it. Do it now, and come back to tell me all about it.
I did feel that the mic needed to be temporarily taken from you (for obvious reasons) but you’ve earned it back with your reading of this piece. I especially enjoyed the pronunciation of “no mo.”