Happy Easter if you’re celebrating! It’s the perfect day for a spring-themed post about our trials and tribulations. Here are five “s” words that come to mind when I think about motherhood.
1. Selections — The younger me could not possibly have fathomed the number of decisions I would have to make as a mother. No longer would my choices be limited to affecting myself, and often times my spouse, but now, the decisions I make are directly influencing the health, safety, and development of little people. Walking into the idea of working parenthood, I was armed with movies and articles and real-life examples of women that “Have it all.” They seemed to be doing it all. The first week back of full time work after having my first child, I began to wonder what that phrase “having it all” actually meant. And did I want to have it all? Or did I need to choose, very carefully, which parts of “it” I wanted or needed?
A few years later, I had my second child and the fullness of life, with its demands, only increased. I recall walking past a conversation near the echocardiography lab of our hospital. A female nurse anesthesist was training another female student. She was discussing future possibilities of work schedules in their profession:
“The great thing about this role is, you can have it all. You just have to decide what that is to you.”
Hearing those words, an ever so slight frown crossed my face. Or, a massive one, I don’t actually know. My mother used to say I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are quite apparent. I frowned because, as I walked to the next patient, and lamented about that item I was to bring to daycare, and made a mental note to sign my eldest up for kindergarten, and planned a dinner for that night, and tried to find a way to politely decline a work gathering whilst remaining seen as engaged in my job, I was beginning to feel that “having it all” was a ruse. I felt my optimism shrinking, peace with my circumstances was shaken, the resolve to continue on in this arrangement was being called into question.
After my third child, I returned to a full time work schedule around the same time my eldest child was growing in school, soccer, and friendships. My middle child, the sensitive person that he is, needed time with Mom alone. My youngest, my only daughter, turned one before I caught my breath long enough to enjoy her first year pictures, wondering where my baby went. I caught myself with a large lump in my throat on multiple occasions, terrified that it was all passing me by, like prior generations all have warned us against time and time again. I was just so very sad. My default personality when I am well (enough) rested and exercised, have some flexibility in my schedule, and feel like I am doing right by my loved ones is actually quite joyful. I have energy, humor and can be a good listener. And yes, the sarcasm is preserved, but with a well-meaning tone meant to make the recipient laugh, not one of resentment or pessimism.
The most impactful choice I have had to make as a mother to this day was to change to part-time status in my career so that I can mother my children in a way that sits well with my soul and hopefully makes God smile. Finally, after nearly a decade, I realized that “having it all” was a notion I had to define for myself. Nobody else could do it for me, and if they had, they would have gotten it wrong.
I recently had a conversation about careers and choices with a retired physician. He shared about his decision to sell his large practice in another state, and buy a home on an island in Georgia to enjoy during the winter months. Snow-birding, they call it. I shared with him my decision to adjust my work and home life balance. He listened thoughtfully, and responded:
“The most important thing to keep a hold of in life is your ability to choose. Don’t ever lose that.”
Speaking of choices, the next word must invariably be:
2. Scary — Gosh, it’s scary. All of the above. Aching for our children when they get physically, or psychologically hurt. Constantly worrying about their safety or if we give them too much, or not enough, protein. Did we pick the right school? Will they make the team? Are they always going to be this socially awkward? I don’t know how to guide them through this, and I surely didn’t anticipate that.
You know what helps? Talking to parents I trust to want the best for their kids as well as mine. People that share in these vulnerabilities and remind you their kids are struggling, too. Confiding in those that have gone before us and considering others’ perspectives. Not keeping it all to ourselves. Trust me, someone else has always gone through something similar and/or worse. Connection, with empathy, goes a long way.
3. Sublime — Parenting is a crash-course exercise in self reflection, awareness, and correction. We crave a beautiful and wonderful life for our children, and our part in developing that hope is learning difficult behaviors about ourselves and striving to improve them. We are praying for the sublime — that feeling of transcendent awe as we wish for our children to become better than ourselves. Humans that may one day grow to be adults that, in turn, inspire us.
4. Swift— (and not only because I love Taylor 🫶🏽). Listen, I try hard to subscribe to the abundance theory, okay? I believe in the world offering endless opportunity… to an extent. I want to believe I have all the time to be with my children. But the reality proves otherwise. My oldest child is nine years old, half way to (ideally) his life independent from Mom and Dad’s roof. The middle child no longer cares about Mickey Mouse characters and is now focusing on building in Minecraft. Our toddler is changing with each passing day, now speaking in full sentences that have shed inflections of her baby voice. I know enough to know that this stage we are in now, this beautiful, chaotic stage, will pass through us like the winds of a Florida hurricane. It builds and strengthens, as those observing on the periphery share their predictions, then it hits. Pouring rain of activities and constant wind shifts of curveballs, then departs us as quickly as it arrived. We are left standing amidst debris of princess dress up clothes, size 5 red soccer shorts, and third grade homework in its wake, with glistening eyeballs interrupted by nostalgia at another season having passed.
5. Spiritual — Never have I ever had more soulful moments since the moment I became a mother. From my meltdown over my first born toddler’s tantrum at a quiet restaurant, to sitting next to my middle kiddo in a doctor’s office when he was covered in a massive, painful, reactive rash, praying for anyone to take it away, to holding my last baby’s tiny little fingers when she was zero days old in pure astonishment that she was a girl, and God whispering to me through tear-soaked ears “Don’t ever lose hope, daughter,” never have I ever experienced such wonderment.
✨A Poem for Our Season ✨
Why is it every time I sit down to write, the battery blinks red
Why is it when the page tells me what it wants, a child does, too
Why do I blame my surroundings
When will I stop telling myself this isn’t your time
Perhaps when the laundry is finally spinning and the young energy falls victim to the nap
When I only want to collapse myself in the quiet of the couch
And beg the universe for energy of my own
Will I tell the story of the woman who “life just happens to”
But first I have to go read the book for the child and try to remember what I want to tell you another time ✨
Loved the paragraph. Ability to choose!! Some never have that. Really good piece. Tears were falling between the laughter. ❤️
"We crave a beautiful and wonderful life for our children, and our part in developing that hope is learning difficult behaviors about ourselves and striving to improve them." So true!