Now That Valentine's Day is Over...

...Should you get unmarried?

I recently listened to the Modern Love podcast where people in various sorts of relationships share a meaningful story about their lives together. The latest one (episode 341) was quite profound — it felt like the culmination of the teachings of some of our leading American voices today. It was as if they gathered together and said “Let’s concoct the exact sort of living we have been teaching… in a marriage.” The host of Modern Love, Anna Martin, described it well:

“I felt like I just took a masterclass in relationships!”

The writer of the story, Dave, was diagnosed with Asperger’s — a term not so used anymore — a disorder on the autism spectrum. He is married to Kristen. Before he was diagnosed, they had two young children. His tendencies really began to show at that point. Their marriage strained when the schedule didn’t go directly “as planned” (we all know, it rarely does, with children). He went to see a specialist, received the diagnosis, and begin a self-driven mission to become the best spouse possible. He even began traveling and speaking as an expert on the subject. One day, Kristen approached him as he was toweling off in front of the shower and announced they were going to be “unmarried,” without much explanation. Dave had no idea what she was talking about.

She didn’t elaborate what “unmarried” was, except to answer basic questions about the boundaries of their relationship.

Dave: “Am I supposed to date?”

Kristen: “God, no.”

Dave “Do we still live together… are we still intimate together?”

Kristen: “Yes and yes.”

So, he observed her, in this declared change of status. Kristen began doing things for her. More coffee dates with friends, self care activities, individual walks. In Dave’s words, he “aped her” and began doing similar activities. He took up mountain biking and found that he absolutely loved it. He developed a group of friends that also enjoyed it. He laughs while reflecting his 3 month stint with chakra alignment and essential oils.

They basically pivoted from “directing all my energy towards this marriage, in order to be a person someone would want to be married to” to “I’m going to love myself well, and in turn, bring that back to this relationship.”

And you know what? It was such a better unmarried marriage.

It got me thinking. Previously, I had read somewhere that it was more common for a person to get divorced than to cut bangs or embark on learning a new musical instrument.

This one statistic shocked me. Perplexed me. I haven’t forgotten it. For a couple of reasons.

1. I recently have done/am doing both of those non-divorce things (cut bangs in 2023 — growing them out now, for obvious annoyance reasons) and began learning the piano prior to that.

2. I found nothing earth shattering or strange about either of these activities, but clearly, they were indicative of a deeper spiritual meaning and I think it’s that we can sometimes abandon ourselves in the quest to make our relationships work.

Initially, I was bewildered with #1. I thought to myself, is something off with my own relationship because I’m doing these things? Why are they less common activities than the (assumed) agonizing process of a personal, emotional, and legal divorce? I think, lying in the midst of these questions, is the answer. At the chance of sounding like an arrogant know-it-all and condemning myself to relational karmic woes in the future, I authentically feel like I am in a joyful place with my partner. We are very good friends, we like to hang out with each other, we laugh together frequently. We hug, and hold one another loosely in love. We take separate trips and have different friends and interests and sometimes we interweave them into our time together. In conclusion of this thought process, I cut the bangs and picked up piano dabbling because I feel supported and loved, at the same time independent and curious. And this is something I want for everyone. This is what you deserve.

So it leaves me wondering for our relationships — are we examining how we feel in them? Are we blaming a specific relationship for a grievance with ourselves? What if, we put the work on the marriage “on hold” and focused first on getting right with ourselves? Obviously, there are some relationships where this is not the case, and it is best and safest for all involved to part ways, but that is not the type of situation I am speaking to.

What if we understand that to feel safe, valued, and freed in a relationship, we have to first find ourselves? Have you noticed those great relationships that you’ve observed and thought, “What’s the secret sauce?” Maybe it’s in holding the integrity of the union and releasing the control. Finding ourselves, and in turn, find our way back to one another. Cheers to love, of yourself.

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