How to Survive the Weekend Kid Birthday Circuit

Complete with a gift-buying guide!

Feb 09, 2025

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Ah, the kid birthday circuit. If you know, you know. If you don’t know, you must not be a parent of a five- to ten-year-old child (decent choice). In case you find yourself in this situation or in the unfortunate position to endure a parent lamenting about it, allow me to explain. Your child makes all kinds of friends in school, sports, extra curriculars, etc. All of these friends have birthdays, and they all have parties because it’s the thing to do. Kid social convention dictates attendance.

The parents (mothers) of the birthday kids are constantly racking their brains to come up with a party that is out of the ordinary. A real banger. Worthy of Monday AM recess chatter. Never been done.

But it’s all been done. To name a few, we’ve attended (in multiples) the classic pool party; the understated park party; the house party with *mandatory* bouncing apparatus; the chaotic semi pro sporting event party; the glamorous spa party; the eclectic art party; the delicious candy factory party; the seriously creepy crawlers party; the “play video games inside a trailer” party, and many other variations.

selective focus photography of assorted-color balloons — Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

These celebrations are serious fun for the kids and not so much for you. Typically, you find yourself standing against a wall talking to a parent whose name you will never recall but who you saw just last weekend at little Bobby’s fiesta. Fresh out of topics for conversation, you resort to little giggles when another kid does something weird and death stares when the weirdness comes from your own spawn.

How do you survive the birthday circuit? Here’s my patented 15-step formula.

Receive invitation in kid’s school folder. Hope the child doesn’t mention it. When she inevitably does, note her enthusiasm level. Use phrases like, “you also have two soccer games that day,” and “how close of a friend is this?” When those fail, tell her you’ll think about it.
Wait until the last possible day to RSVP. Make one last attempt with your kid to ditch it. Upon your kid’s insistence, send the following text:

“Hi Teresa, this is Kara Wood. Thank you so much for the invitation to Ellie’s birthday party! M would like to attend. What kinds of things is Ellie into these days?”

Receive text back from mother feigning enthusiasm for your kid’s attendance while she makes another tick mark on the party list and adds another $40 to her bill. Also note her frustratingly vague response on the interests question. Pray your child comes down with a mild version of influenza A the day prior to said party.
Wait until the day of to realize you’ve never obtained a gift due to decision paralysis and overworking and the possibility you may get to bail.
Grab your smart phone to make a Target pick up order. Note the number of hours until the party. Target requires two hours to guarantee gift readiness. You’ve got one and change. Hurry your child through navigating the Target app to find a useless toy that will be thrown out or regifted in a matter of months.
Place the order. Include an overpriced gift bag and paper because this will be an in-the-car wrapping job. Pray for a quick email saying it’s ready for pick up.
……………
When you have not yet received an email saying to come get your crap but it’s time to leave for the party, panic inside while rushing your kid out the door.
Continue to pray.
Become overjoyed when you receive the pick up email on the way to Target. [If you do not receive this email, you’ll need to go inside and deal with the issue. Please note: by the time the issue is resolved, you will have been able to shop inside the store for your item about 5xs over. However, if you choose to simply cancel the order in the App and shop in store, you’ll have a jealous kiddo accompanying you down toy aisles. Neither scenario is ideal.]
Hit the button to “Tell us you’re coming” as you enter the parking lot. Park in space 2. Tell them that.
Photo by Shabaz Usmani on Unsplash
Sit and wait among a sea of SUVs filled with anxious party-goers.
Receive the gift from the disgruntled teen worker. Hope that the Target workers have not selected a toy that has been opened, repackaged, or is otherwise looking bunk. They tend to do this, and it detracts from your good reputation as a non-recycling gift-giver.
Throw the toy in the gift bag. Realize you have no card. Say to yourself, “oh well.” Force child to create a handmade version on the road, citing the increased sentimental meaning it conveys.
Drive to the party. Arrive 15 minutes late. Note the usual suspects when you walk in. Assume your place on the wall. If the stars align, you may find yourself a reclining chair nook under the shade to nestle (disappear) into. Until the neighbor girl who is taking a 24 hour sabbatical from her ADHD medication finds you.

There you have it! The no-fail method for surviving the kid birthday circuit! Have anything to add? You know the drill: let me know in the cawwwwments!