How to Become a Road Safety Vigilante
A 17-Step Guide to Bada$$ Heroism
Decide, after reviewing the local news and Facebook community pages, that the driving behavior of the masses has reached an ungovernable state. The horrific stories of teenagers being hit (in a crosswalk), smash and run jobs, and general air of disrespect on the roadways have you fed up 10/10.
Contribute to the above child’s medical bills through Gofundme. Feel good about this for a moment, then kick yourself for subscribing to the updates because her dad’s life musings (that have nothing to do with her medical progress) now flood your inbox. Remind yourself no good deed goes unpunished.
Casually ride a bike to the elementary school drop off zone and linger a few extra moments. Strike up a conversation with the school safety officer after he returns from chasing a speeder down, on foot. Gawk as he explains the driver of the white SUV accused him of profiling her because she was driving too fast. Use disarming phrases such as “I’m just a mom but…” while prying for additional information from said law enforcement.
Shake your head, three times over, as you witness a vehicle passing others over double yellow lines, on a two way road, in an active school zone full of pedestrians and bikers.
Lament to self on an introspective long bike ride home that there is a deep spiritual lack contributing to this problem that you can’t quite put your finger on. Soon thereafter, scream the F word at the driver who sped too closely past you with the bumper sticker “Honk if you love Jesus!”
Heart the comment from the county sheriff promising improvement on the community page and note that she did make good on her word, as multiple motorcycle cops were soon present to bust those going 50 mph in a 30 mph zone.
*Surmise that, despite the increased police presence, you will take up the cause. It’s not like you have 53 other things you should be doing.
Gather vigilante attire. Don dark sunglasses. Celebrate the fact that most of your wardrobe is already dark, like your soul. Consider investing in a bulletproof vest but decide it’s not worth it. Wrap your chest in leftover bubble wrap from your latest Wayfair gardening purchase instead.
Made for this. Confirm significant other knows where to locate your life insurance policy. Dodge their follow up questions. Walk away muttering an elusive statement such as “I was made for a time such as this…”
Begin vigilante activity. Gather a fully charged smartphone, a dash cam, and a level of commitment you haven’t thought through.
Intentionally place your automobile in the left lane and go 4 mph over the speed limit, max. Refuse to move when the lifted truck behind you (you know the one, it has the hanging genitalia on their ball hitch) follows closely behind within an inch of your life. Tell your ten year old to take pictures, noting the Napoleon Bonaparte features of the driver’s face.
If you can’t afford, or are too cheap for a dash cam, make a mental note of poor choice vehicles and all accompanying characteristics. If they are particularly dangerous, you will need to commit their license plate to memory. Chant the plate number to yourself to remember, if necessary. ”ID8MOMS ID8MOMS ID8MOMS”
If the above driver stops in front of you (as many do in attempts to beat one extra car to their kid’s soccer game where they’ll then surely set up a weather pod in front of your fold up chair), commit them to memory and casually slip their poor driving behavior into the sideline chatter.
Should you happen to witness a collision, gather as much information as humanly possible and store it for the poor soul left on the side of the road after the offending vehicle has sped off. You will forever be referred to as “Saint ___ (fill in your name)” if you are kind enough to stop and give them the information.
Camp out in your car, in event parking lots. Start with the baseball parks. Wait for the inevitable parking scrape of a vehicle and record the transgressor’s response. Leave a note on the victim's car that some careless a$$hole damaged their property, but if they meet you at the local watering hole in 1 hour, you’ll tell them everything they need to know about both the accident and how much of a jerk the scraper’s kid is.
Report any and all careless activity to your sheriff department non-emergency number under the guise of a concerned mother named Beatrice. Note your real Vigilante identification is ‘Driving in your Benz’.
Smile to yourself inconspicuously when people note “someone has to do something about this” because you are solving this public safety concern on the periphery. Bid them adieu with a mysteriously hummed version of “And I don't dress for villains, Or for innocents, I'm on my vigilante shh again.”
*Note that steps 7-17 are pure fantasy
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As a cyclist and mother I have noticed the increased craziness of the driving today. It’s quite baffling that so many drivers are in such a hurry to get to their destination. Perhaps part of the problem is that our society runs at such a fast pace that we often don’t slow down to notice the parent that is walking their kid across the street or exerciser trying to destress and take charge of their health. Thank you for using this platform to bring awareness to this increasing problem.
Ok ok first off never claimed Beatrice - but… I’m disappointed no innocent bystanders didn’t make it in there 😆